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Send me your best joke and I
will post it on this page.
Click Here for Details
olympics
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1.
Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up
and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and
I speak from personal experience
since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their
faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British
crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?"
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warning
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The South Australian Police in conjunction with the
Federal Police have issued a warning advising all South Australian
dog owners to keep their dogs
inside until further notice.
Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual
basis throughout South Australia. They are falling in great
numbers. Police in the city of Adelaide advise all dog owners not
to walk their dogs.
Click here for photographic evidence |
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Catholic |
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Two priests decided to
go to
Hawaii on vacation.
They weredetermined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a
drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous"
topless blond in a thong bikini came walking straight towards
them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them, she smiled
and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding
and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the
world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same
gorgeous topless blond, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet
time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them,
and said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute young lady." "Yes?," she replied. "We are priests,
and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know
we are priests...dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied. |
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jesus |
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Last Sunday a man stumbled from a country village pub well and
truly drunk, he walked along the lane some way and then decided
to take a short cut through the woods to his home.
A couple of hundred yards into the woods he came across a
preacher baptizing people in the middle of a river. The drunk
walks straight into the water and collides with the preacher
who, taken by surprise, grabs the drunk and asks" Are you
willing to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yes I am" so the preacher takes him by the
neck and holds his head under the water for a few seconds.
He pulls him up again and says, "Brother, have you found
Jesus?"
"No, I haven't found Jesus" replies the drunk.
The preacher holds the drunk's head under a second time and
upon pulling him up again asks, "Brother, have you now found
Jesus?"
The drunk again replied, "No, I still
haven't found Jesus"
By this time, the preacher is losing his temper and grabs the
drunk once more by the neck and holds his head under the water
for over half a minute before bringing him up and again asks
"Brother, for the love of God, Have you found Jesus this
time?"
The drunk, coughing and spluttering and trying to get his
breath back, wiped the water from his eyes and said,
>
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KEEP SCROLLING
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KEEP GOING
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>"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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wedding |
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A Chinese couple get married - and they are both
virgins. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed
sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My
darring" he says, "I know is you firs time and you berry
frightened. I promise you, is my firs time also. I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say.
What you want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.
"I want....numma 69", she eventually replies.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a
puzzled tone he queries..."You want....
Beef with Blackbean sauce?" |
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captain |
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A
young magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was
different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over
and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything.
It was after all, The
captain's parrot.
Then, one day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have
it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with open hatred, but neither uttered
a word.
This went on for a day,
and then another, and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could no longer hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?
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funeral |
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A man goes to see Mel Gibson's
new movie, The Passion, and is
inspired to take his family to
Israel
to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel
Aviv explains
that they can ship the body home to
Wisconsin
at a cost of $10,000 or the
mother-in-law could be buried in
Israel
for US$500. The man says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big
expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The man
says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance!"
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